I’ve wanted to go here for years….It’s so beautiful! This will be my reward to myself once I’ve reached my goal. Can you imagine being here????
I’m trying not to obsess too much this time. I’m trying to do things the right way, the way I’ll be able to live the rest of my life. When I look back at how I lost all that weight before, I realize that I wasn’t being realistic. I would never be able to exercise every single day, without fail, for the rest of my life. But that’s what I made myself do during that time. If I missed a day, everything started falling apart. Now I let myself make mistakes. If I mess up, I just keep on going. I’m a perfectionist to a fault, and I think that’s what hurt my weight loss efforts in the past. Some days, I’ll have pizza, though not as much as before. I set a goal to exercise 3-4 times per week, because I think that’s realistic and healthy. And this time, I feel much better about everything.
So, because of that, I haven’t posted in a little while. I blogged my heart out last time, and it helped, but this time, I’m off the obsessive train. I’ll blog when I have time, when I have something to say, or if I just feel like it that day.
In my absence, I’ve reached my first and second goals! I’m too excited! I reached my first weight loss goal of 20 lbs. I felt like I could lose 10 or 15 lbs pretty easily and gain it right back even more easily, so I though 20 pounds would be a good way to tell myself that I’m actually doing this.
This is my first reward. I haven’t bought myself something that I didn’t need in so long! It’s not much, but I saw them and wanted them and thought it would be a good way to tell myself — Good Job!
For my second reward, with a 25 lb weight loss, I started tanning. We’re headed to the beach and I’m as white as a ghost and don’t want to burn, so it’s off to tan I go. Don’t worry, I won’t over do it. I think I’ve been tanning 3-4 times my entire life, but I always say that tan fat looks a lot better than white fat any day!
I decided to set up a more constant reward system for myself too.
Weight Weight Loss Reward
285 20 lbs New Flip Flops
280 25 lbs Tanning
274 31 lbs (10%) New Hair Cut
268 37 lbs (12%) New Outfit – Jeans and Shirt
259 46 lbs (15%) True Blood Blue Ray set
255 50 lbs Pandora Charm
250 55 lbs (18%) New Book
244 61 lbs (20%) New Outfit & Earrings
229 76 lbs (25%) Tripod for my camera
218 (1 lb less than lowest weight in 2009) 87 lbs Massage
212 (1 lb less than my lowest adult weight) 93 lbs Mani/Pedi
205 100 lbs Weekend away with my husband
199 106 lbs Party
189 116 lbs New outfit/date night
179 126 lbs New Book
169 136 lbs New Camera Bag
159 (GOAL!) 146 lbs Trip to Bora Bora
I’ve decided to break down my very large goal of reaching 160 lbs into several smaller goals.
Starting out, my BMI was 47.5, putting me at obesity grade 3. Right now, I’m still at Obesity grade 3, with a BMI of 44.5.
I have 29 more pounds to go to reach Obesity grade 2 (255 lbs)
Losing 61 more pounds will put me at Obesity grade 1 (223 lbs)
I’ll need to lose 93 pounds to just be overweight (191 lbs)
Then, once I lose the remainder of my weight, I’ll be considered at a healthy weight.
Those are still big goals, so I’ll have smaller ones, like every 10 lbs will be a milestone. But those are the major milestones.
I just have to take it one step at a time instead of looking at it as I need to lose 124 pounds. I just can’t think of it that way.
We live in a fast paced world. Everyone wants instant gratification. Get sick, go to the doctor, expect some instant miracle cure that will make you feel better before you walk out the door.
It’s the same thing with weight loss. People expect some miracle shot or pill that will make them wake up instantly slimmer. Of course, it would be great if that existed. I’d be the first one to sign up for it! But it doesn’t exist. And something I’ve learned over the years is that anything worth having is worth working for. You end up appreciating it more in the end. Then, of course, there’s the feeling of accomplishment. That’s better than any miracle pill.
People who have never been overweight don’t understand. And when I say that, I don’t mean that it’s easy for thinner people to remain thin. It’s just easier to take off a few pounds than to look at the long road ahead toward losing half of your current body weight. It’s not as simple as not eating. It’s not as simple as exercising. … even though those are the magic ingredients to losing weight and keeping it off. The problem is that when you have someone like me, who has never been at a healthy weight in her entire life, it’s a matter of completely reconditioning yourself. It’s a matter of re-teaching yourself everything you have been doing your entire life.
It’s no one’s fault…it’s just the way things were. If you wanted something to eat at my house as a kid, you ate it. Food was a reward. If you feel bad, get an ice cream cone. If you’re happy, let’s go out to eat to celebrate. When you’re sad, here’s some candy to cheer you up. Too busy to exercise. Too busy to incorporate it into your every day life. That’s just how it was.
Then, growing up, crash diet after fad diet followed… just trying to lose weight so that I can be happier, healthier. Setting myself up for failure every time. Never exercising as a lifestyle change, but rather a means to an end.
I have never weighed less than 213 pounds in my adult life. I came really close back in 2009 when I got down to 219. Then, everything spiraled out of control and I just gave up. Really don’t have much of an excuse. I started slacking and it was a downhill journey from there.
It’s definitely easier to gain weight. It’s crazy how our bodies are set. We’re made for survival, and survival equals eating to stay alive. But now, there’s so much everywhere, that it’s food overload and we’ve gone to the opposite end of the spectrum. Instead of eating to stay alive and survive, most people eat for enjoyment. We’re wired to do things that make us happy, thus overdoing the eating and resulting in the dark cloud of morbid obesity.
Just saying those words makes me cringe….thinking of myself as morbidly obese….wow. But that’s what I am. I’ve spent most of my life like an ostrich with its head in the sand, hiding from myself because it’s easier than facing what I am. Even over the past few years as the weight piled back on, I avoided thinking about it. I didn’t see myself getting bigger in the mirror. Funny thing about how a mirror can absolutely lie to you.
Looking at those pictures of me…you just can’t imagine how it feels to look at that and see myself the way that other people see me. I hate seeing my round face and large abdomen. I hate looking at my arms and seeing rolls of fat. I hate that I let all of the work that I had done and all of the pain that I went through fade away.
So now, I feel like I have two options. I can either wallow in self pity or get up, dust myself off, and kick my own ass into shape. I’ve never been one for self pity. I feel like everything that you are is entirely what you make yourself to be. I feel that with hard work and perserverance, you can acheive anything that you really desire. It’s just a matter of wanting it bad enough.
It’s a matter of wanting something so badly that it’s all you think about. It invades your sleep along with your every waking moment. It’s stronger than any craving for any food. It’s stronger than the desire to sit back down on the couch and not exercise. That’s what it has to be in order to succeed.
I told someone once that I made goals for myself when I was pretty young. Everything that I’ve set out to do, I’ve done. There is the one exception … losing weight and being healthy. I’ve wasted so much of my life being overweight. I’m so tired of watching my life pass me by. I’m tired of sitting around wishing that things can be different. I’m ready to move forward, live my life and make the things that I want reality.
The human mind is one of the most powerful forces in the universe. The power of will within the mind is the driving force of that strength.
“The mind is everything. What you think, you become.” — Buddha
What I take away from this post today is that if I will it, it will be.
It’s hard to come back here and start posting again. It’s hard to face up to my own failures, or setbacks, or whichever term is most fitting. But here I am. The only way to get past our mistakes and problems is to face them head on, acknowledge those mistakes, and move forward. This is my attempt at that.
I’ve been at it a month now. I haven’t been perfect. I’ve made mistakes. But I’ve stayed with it. I’ve started taking pictures again. It’s so hard to look at those pictures of me, especially after all of the progress that I made that has now backpeddeled into oblivion. But, facing it again and all that absolutely requires that I do that.
I lost a total of 86 pounds last time. I gained 84 back.
How does that even happen? I can’t begin to understand it. I can’t begin to wonder how this relationship I have with food can be so utterly controlling that it allows me to give up all that I had acheived.
This time, I plan to just try a little harder. I plan to allow myself to make mistakes. I think that the all or nothing attitude I had before was just a set up for disaster. Once I broke my foot and allowed myself to decline, I just gave it up altogether.
At any rate, I’m back on the wagon, ready to do this all over again.
I’ve lost 19 pounds this month. Last time, it just felt like it all came off a lot faster. But then I decided to look back to what I had done before.
I’ve been dieting 5 weeks. I’ve lost 19 pounds. Last time, after 5 weeks, I’d only lost 11 pounds. I was shocked! I was also encouraged. It made me feel so good to know that I’m doing this again, and even though I haven’t been perfect, I’ve done better than before!
Then I started thinking about it in terms of calories. To lose 19 pounds, I eliminated 66,500 calories! That’s 13,300 calories per week and a whopping 1900 calories per day! Wow…I was really eating a lot and basically not moving around at all.
I started looking for more things to encourage me and found this really cool list online. It’s a reference guide to how much things weigh:
Things That Weigh Approximately One Pound:
Package of butter (4 sticks)
1 package of bacon
1 box of brown sugar
Approximately Three Pounds:
Can of Crisco Shortening
Box of Wine
Approximately Five Pounds:
Mr. Coffee 12-cup Coffeemaker
A pair of Men’s size 10 Hiking Boots
A Two Liter Bottle of Soda
Bag of Sugar
Approximately Ten Pounds
9 Ft. Market Umbrella
Large Bag of Potatoes
6 Ft. Aluminum Step Ladder
Adult Maltese Dog
Approximately Fifteen Pounds
19-inch Flat Screen TV
2000 paint balls
Medium Bag of Dog Food
Approximately Twenty-five Pounds
19 inch Flat screen TV and a Two Liter Bottle of Soda
5 bags of sugar
2 bags of potatoes and a pair of men’s hiking boots
According to this, I’ve lost the equivalent of a 19 inch flat screen TV, a steam iron and a can of crisco shortening.
I’m totally in this 😉
Here’s some photos for reference:
Weight: 278 Weight: 219 Weight: 303
I didn’t start taking pictures last time at my highest weight. It’s so hard to look at that 2nd and 3rd picture. I just can’t let it keep me down.
Month 1 Progress photos:
I think I see some improvement there.
It’s important to have a goal….a reward….something to work for. I love the beach. I love to sit out on the sand and watch the waves roll in. I love to feel the sand between my toes and the sun on my face. I love the quiet tranquility of the early morning, when the sun just begins to rise and the world still looks untouched. I could live happily for the rest of my life just sitting out by the ocean in quiet serenity and solitude.
The only problem is that when you’re overweight, fat, pleasently plump, or as my sister says “fluffy”, the thought of anyone seeing me in a bathing suit is frightening enough to keep me away from the place I love most in the world. I haven’t been to the beach since 2009, when I lost all of the weight before. That was my gift to myself….my reward.
So, I’ve decided to let that be my reward again. I’ve decided to work toward the goal of being on the beach for a solid week, every day — if I can lose the weight.
I’ve set my plan in motion and developed a workout schedule. I’m working on my menu and avoiding the foods I need to avoid. I just have a few things to fine tune, then I should be able to get back on track. I’m keeping up with my workouts and food intake on dailyburn tracker. It helps keep me accountable for eating right every day.
I’m also going to keep blogging on here, at least once or twice a week. I don’t know why that helped so much before, but i t did. I found that the more I wrote about it and the more I logged online, the better I did with my weight loss. So, if it worked before, surely it’ll work again.
I’ll be back in a few days to ramble on again about how things are going. Right now, I’m headed to sleep to dream about the beautiful Gulf of Mexico and the white sand beaches that wait for the healthier, slimmer me.