It’s important to have a goal….a reward….something to work for.  I love the beach.  I love to sit out on the sand and watch the waves roll in.  I love to feel the sand between my toes and the sun on my face.  I love the quiet tranquility of the early morning, when the sun just begins to rise and the world still looks untouched.  I could live happily for the rest of my life just sitting out by the ocean in quiet serenity and solitude.

The only problem is that when you’re overweight, fat, pleasently plump, or as my sister says “fluffy”, the thought of anyone seeing me in a bathing suit is frightening enough to keep me away from the place I love most in the world.  I haven’t been to the beach since 2009, when I lost all of the weight before.  That was my gift to myself….my reward.

So, I’ve decided to let that be my reward again.  I’ve decided to work toward the goal of being on the beach for a solid week, every day — if I can lose the weight. 

I’ve set my plan in motion and developed a workout schedule.  I’m working on my menu and avoiding the foods I need to avoid.  I just have a few things to fine tune, then I should be able to get back on track.  I’m keeping up with my workouts and food intake on dailyburn tracker.  It helps keep me accountable for eating right every day.

I’m also going to keep blogging on here, at least once or twice a week.  I don’t know why that helped so much before, but i t did.  I found that the more I wrote about it and the more I logged online, the better I did with my weight loss.  So, if it worked before, surely it’ll work again.

I’ll be back in a few days to ramble on again about how things are going.  Right now, I’m headed to sleep to dream about the beautiful Gulf of Mexico and the white sand beaches that wait for the healthier, slimmer me.

I think the hardest thing to do is to really look at ourselves.  It’s a difficult thing to look yourself in the mirror and be honest about who you are and about your qualities – good and bad.  It’s easy to make excuses for our shortcomings.  It’s easy to find a reason for failure.  It’s hard to admit that the failure is just simply your own.

I woke up, I looked at myself….I pulled off the blinders and told myself that I would stop….I would stop making excuses today.  Stop making up reasons why I don’t do the things I need to do. …

Isn’t that the first step in overcoming a problem?  To actually admit that you have a problem?  I eat too much.  I eat too much of the wrong foods.  I enjoy eating those foods.  They make me feel better when I’m sad.  They comfort me after a long day.  Food, for whatever reason, is an escape…a hiding place.  I eat for all the wrong reasons, then I feel guilty for eating the foods I’ve consumed. 

I don’t understand why for some people, food is all about emotion.  It’s about solace, fear, pain, peace, anger, resentment, guilt.  Food is supposed to be an energy source….nothing more….but we make it so much more than what it is. 

We’re supposed to look to our friends, family and others for those emotions….to people…not to food.  We’re supposed to find joy in the things we do, not the things we eat…. but yet… it’s hard to get past all of the emotions food somehow contains.

I’m done.  I’m tired of making excuses to myself.  I’m tired of not being who I set out to be.  I’m tired of letting food control me.  I’m tired of it consuming me.  I’m done with everything that I have been for the past 30 years. 

I ate pizza last night.  and i REFUSE to feel guilty!

I will not let that meal defeat me.  I will not let that be my excuse to fail.

I went to the gym this morning…..and I didn’t feel bad about anything.  I felt good that I went and exercised.  I refuse to let the small things bring me down and keep me from reaching my goal.  I’m through with excuses and guilt.

I know it’s only two days in, but it’s two days closer to a healthier lifestyle for all of us.  We’re trying to keep our kids from repeating the cycle here.  Once we get going, we’re going to try to incorporate more of this into our every day things.  Maybe I’ll get a bike.  I dunno…I AM kinda clumsy!

At any rate, we all feel better about ourselves and that’s what really matters!

But I digress….

Tonight, I found my new inspiration.  I found someone to help motivate me, to work with me and to help keep me in line. 

MY HUBBY!

I’m so excited that we’ll be working out and dieting together.  It was so hard before when I was doing it all alone.  Going to the gym every night, with him at home….

But now…..it’s a whole new world at our house.  We’re eating healthy as a family.  We’re getting active as a family.  We’re gonna get in shape as a family.  This is the best possible thing that could have happened.

I looked back at all of my old pictures tonight.  I could have gone in a very negative direction.  But instead, I saw it as a new starting point.  I noticed that I lost 24 pounds in the first month alone last time.  So I know I can do it!  I know I can.  I did it before.  So, at this point, it really doesn’t matter that I’ve gained.  It only matters that I know I can lose this weight.

Crazy workout girl strikes back!!!

I’m still hanging on to the hope of having these arms 

I swore to myself this last time that I would never end up back in the state I started.  I vowed that this time would mark the beginning of my success. 

How does it happen?  How is it possible to work so hard for something for so long and just give it all up and walk away?  How is it that I gave every part of every molecule of myself to this transformation and just threw in the towel as though it never even mattered to begin with?  How is it possible that I have gained back EVERY POUND I struggled so hard to lose?

I look in the mirror and am completely and totally disgusted with myself.  I just cannot understand how I have allowed this to happen.  I cannot understand why I fail time after time with this weight loss thing.  How could my determination have just disappeared?  What on earth is wrong with me????

I came back to face the music here on this blog after coming across my old photos.  I looked back through them and fought back tears of disappointment, anger, frustration and disgust.  Every possible negative emotion I could have about myself filtered though my mind.  How do I get back into this? 

None of my clothes fit.  I threw out all of my old things.  I hate leaving the house.  I hate looking at myself.  I hate thinking about any of this.  I hate what I’ve done to myself. 

For the life of me, I just can’t understand………………

So, I got brave and posted a before and after pic — you’ve seen it in one of my earlier posts.  I had a lot of comments to the tone of — good job, keep it up, etc.  Then today, I logged in and this is what was posted:

Im not here to whiteknight you like the prior 30 virgins in this thread. I am here to say you are slacking and need to pick it up.

Sure you have a pretty face, but you are morbidley obese and dont seem to care.

From your BodySpace
Nov 13, 2009 219.0 lb (99.5 kg) -4.0 lb (-1.8 kg) -1.8 %
Aug 22, 2009 223.0 lb (101.4 kg) -5.0 lb (-2.3 kg) -2.2 %
Aug 15, 2009 228.0 lb (103.6 kg) -8.0 lb (-3.6 kg) -3.4 %
Jul 13, 2009 236.0 lb (107.3 kg) -5.0 lb (-2.3 kg) -2.1 %
Jun 29, 2009 241.0 lb (109.5 kg) -2.0 lb (-0.9 kg) -0.8 %

So since June 29, you’ve lost a tad over 20 lbs. Are you even trying? Thats 8 months… Seriously….

And you are way over 34% BF by the way, closer to 50%. Hell you even say you need to less 90 lbs… So if you are 220. 22 lbs is 10%. 22 x 4 = 88 = 40% of fat you want to lose, and youll still have 20% BF left, as women really dont go below 20%. A very lean trim cut guy with visible abs stays around 13-15%.

Anyhow. I am here to push you to getting your **** together. Im not gonna say good job so far, because lets be honest, you’ve slacked and you know it. Get your stuff together, lose the weight, and get healthy.

Talk about a wake up call!  Believe it or not, this was exactly what I needed to hear.  I need a good swift kick sometimes.  This person took the time to look at my progress and evaluate exactly how well (or poorly rather) I’ve done over the past few months. 

Sure, I had some things happen.  But was than an excuse to slack off?  NO…not at all.  If anything, I should have been MORE strict on my diet since I couldn’t do cardio.  I should have worked harder in the gym when I could be there and I should have gone every opportunity that I had.  I can’t let these set backs set me back.  I can’t go back to the person I was.  I can’t let it beat me.

I refuse…..refuse to give up…refuse to let myself wallow in pity and complain about what I can’t do and start focusing on what I CAN do.

So, some people may think that this was harsh, but in reality, this person did the biggest favor possible in the world for me.  He opened my eyes and let me see exactly what I needed to do better.  Because, that’s where I’ve messed up in the past.  I’ve slacked off….given up…given in.  He saw it and helped me to stop it from happening this time. 

I’m back in this baby, with a VENGANCE!

I was totally psyched when I got on the scales today.  I didn’t expect to see that much of a weight loss.  Thirteen more pounds until I’m back to where I was 4 months ago.  Then it’s downhill from there. 

I’m working updating my blog.  I left the weight progress chart up from last year, just so I can look back on it.  I have a new one for 2010.  So far I only have weight on it, but I’ve taken measurements and I’ll add that in later.  I think I’ll start the progress pictures again once I’m back down to 219.

I’m also adding a page with my favorite motivational quotes … coming soon.

I think I need a change as far as eating goes.  I’m looking into a Ketogenic diet.  Once I get all the details, I’ll update my diet page.

Thanks to those who dropped in here from time to time to check on me.  It’s been kind of a crazy couple of months.  I’ve gone on and on and on and on about the whole foot drama, which is still going on.  I went back to doing cardio again and started running because my foot isn’t hurting at all.  I really miss running.  That’s so crazy to me because I never would have thought that I would like something like that.  It just goes to show that you can’t be afraid of trying something new.  You never know when you’ll come across something that can change your entire perspective.  But I have to give it up for now.  I had another x-ray and my foot actually looks worse than it did when I first broke it!  BLAH!!!!

But back to the whole – drama in my life – story -

About a month or so ago, I found a really large, hard lump in my left breast.  I had an ultrasound, fully expecting to hear that it was just a cyst.  But it was inconclusive – some kind of nodule or mass that wasn’t cystic at all.  I kinda fell apart for a while, going crazy, worrying about what it could be.  I really don’t know why I was so worried, now that I look back on it.  I always tell people that you shouldn’t worry about something until there’s reason to worry, but there I sat, in utter anguish over the unknown.  So I went to a surgeon, who suggested a lumpectomy.  I had the procedure, had to go 2 weeks without lifting weights and ate everything in sight.  The biopsy report came back negative and I decided that I really needed to get going again.

I joined a weight loss challenge with our local hospital.  A group of 4 of us are competing to be the “Biggest Loser” and have a chance to win a thousand bucks.  In the spirit of the competition, I’ve been running around, jokingly trash talking the other teams in our office and now have absolutely no other option than to stay 100% on track!  Plus, I was contacted a few months ago to be in a magazine for women to talk about weight loss and it came out last week.  Just one more reason to keep it up!

At any rate….hopefully things are settled enough for me to be back in this wholeheartedly!

I spent so much time trying to remain upbeat and positive.  I’ve tried to be this impenetrable force, never allowing the possibility of failure or even the accidental mis-step.  I was so afraid that if I made one mistake, that the entire world would come crumbling down around me and that I’d spiral so far out of control I’d never make it back to the path that is my journey.  I really think that I spent so much time trying to ward off failure that I allowed mistakes to overtake me completely.

Looking back, the pivotal moment was most likely the foot fracture in October.  Since that time, I’ve been unable to go forward with the full force that I had in the beginning.  I allowed myself to slack off, to slowly slide down the slipery slope that I had created until I found myself a tower crumbling under it’s own weight.  I held fast at the plateau, which was far better than the weight I’ve now gained back.  I broke through it a few times, only to stare defeat head on allow it to slip in and slowly take over. 

I’d hoped to use the beginning of this year as a new starting point….a place from which to go forward….to begin again.  I found the new year to usher in new problems.  The scale stared at me like some sinister fiend, laughing maniacally as I passed in fear, hanging my head in sorrow.  It was quite easy to tell that the weight was slowly finding its way back to me.  I felt it with every step I took.  I had to take action — but then a minor surgical procedure set me back an additional three weeks.  In addition to that, the new x-ray of my foot shows absolutely no sign of healing. 

So I looked back at what I had accomplished so far and realized that this had happened to me so many times before when trying to lose weight.  Setbacks had dumped me right back at square one on more than one occasion.  I refuse to let this happen again.  I refuse to let a stumbling block cripple me for life. 

I may not have reached the goals that I originally had planned, but I’m a helluva lot closer than I was a year ago.  So, back on the proverbial wagon I go….20 pounds heavier than I was in October, but still 80 pounds less than when I started.  It’s Me vs Me and I’m totally winning

1.  Why do I lose steam just when things start looking up again?

2.  Why do I let set backs take me back to the beginning?

3.  Why is it so hard to face myself?

4.  Am I really destined for failure?

So, what’s bringing this on?  I don’t really know when everything started falling apart.  I don’t know when I sort of started falling off track.  But it happened.  I guess I thought I was at some sort of plateau and it may have started that way, but I stopped working as hard.  I let myself  miss a few days at the gym.  I ate a couple of fries.  That turned into a whole order of fries.  I felt defeated.  I didn’t want to look at myself in the mirror.  I didn’t want to face the scale.  I spent more time away from the gym.  I ate more of those damned fries.

Then I started again.  I started losing again like crazy.  I got motivated again.  Then the wagon hit a bump and I fell right back off.

I haven’t weighed in about 2 weeks.  I’m afraid to weigh.  I’m afraid to get on the scales. I don’t want to see the numbers.  I don’t want to even look at myself in the mirror.

This stupid foot is really holding me back.  I’m seriously thinking about just forgetting that it’s broken and doing what I need to do anyway.  I don’t think it will heal back right.  I’m headed toward a non-union anyway.  Options will be surgical repair or just living with it.  Which, of course, means, that I won’t be able to run.  The stairs kill me.  I might could handle the elliptical, but that’s probably about it. 

All I know is that I have to do something, even if that means that I write down every bite of food that I eat again.  I hate that.  I hate keeping up with everything.  That’s why I eat the same thing every day (or I did anyway).  It was working.  If I eat the same thing, then I don’t have to think about how much it is.  I already know that it’s the right amount….not too much….not too little.

I’m thinking that I need to look back to where I was in the beginning.  I’ve said before that I look at myself in the mirror and see myself completely unchanged.  All I see is fat staring back at me.  Sometimes I feel like that that’s all I’ll ever be is the fat girl.  But I don’t want to be.

So it should be easy….just don’t be.  Make the change.  It should be easy.  And it was easy for so long.  I had a powerful drive behind everything pushing me forward.  Somewhere along the way, it got harder.

But I can’t quit.

Something has to push me again.  Some how I have to get it back.

I see the difference here….. just not in the mirror.  You’d think that would help some…. but I think that seeing the same old me in the mirror all the time just gets me discouraged!

I’ve got to quit whining….and just do it.  and stick with it.

  I weighed in this morning and I’ve finally broke through!  After 9 weeks of hanging around the same weight, gaining a little and losing a little, I’ve finally got through it.  I was beginning to wonder.  My motivation was starting to really waver.  But today, going in there and seeing those numbers made all the difference in the world.  I feel ultra-confident again!

Maybe I’ll be able to lose 4 more pounds over the next two weeks and meet my goal by Thanksgiving.  I’m really going to try hard.  It just gets so much harder to lose the further I get into this thing.  I’ll get there though.