Important questions to consider:

1.  Why do I lose steam just when things start looking up again?

2.  Why do I let set backs take me back to the beginning?

3.  Why is it so hard to face myself?

4.  Am I really destined for failure?

So, what’s bringing this on?  I don’t really know when everything started falling apart.  I don’t know when I sort of started falling off track.  But it happened.  I guess I thought I was at some sort of plateau and it may have started that way, but I stopped working as hard.  I let myself  miss a few days at the gym.  I ate a couple of fries.  That turned into a whole order of fries.  I felt defeated.  I didn’t want to look at myself in the mirror.  I didn’t want to face the scale.  I spent more time away from the gym.  I ate more of those damned fries.

Then I started again.  I started losing again like crazy.  I got motivated again.  Then the wagon hit a bump and I fell right back off.

I haven’t weighed in about 2 weeks.  I’m afraid to weigh.  I’m afraid to get on the scales. I don’t want to see the numbers.  I don’t want to even look at myself in the mirror.

This stupid foot is really holding me back.  I’m seriously thinking about just forgetting that it’s broken and doing what I need to do anyway.  I don’t think it will heal back right.  I’m headed toward a non-union anyway.  Options will be surgical repair or just living with it.  Which, of course, means, that I won’t be able to run.  The stairs kill me.  I might could handle the elliptical, but that’s probably about it. 

All I know is that I have to do something, even if that means that I write down every bite of food that I eat again.  I hate that.  I hate keeping up with everything.  That’s why I eat the same thing every day (or I did anyway).  It was working.  If I eat the same thing, then I don’t have to think about how much it is.  I already know that it’s the right amount….not too much….not too little.

I’m thinking that I need to look back to where I was in the beginning.  I’ve said before that I look at myself in the mirror and see myself completely unchanged.  All I see is fat staring back at me.  Sometimes I feel like that that’s all I’ll ever be is the fat girl.  But I don’t want to be.

So it should be easy….just don’t be.  Make the change.  It should be easy.  And it was easy for so long.  I had a powerful drive behind everything pushing me forward.  Somewhere along the way, it got harder.

But I can’t quit.

Something has to push me again.  Some how I have to get it back.

I see the difference here….. just not in the mirror.  You’d think that would help some…. but I think that seeing the same old me in the mirror all the time just gets me discouraged!

I’ve got to quit whining….and just do it.  and stick with it.

– and I don’t mean another bone, thankfully!

  I weighed in this morning and I’ve finally broke through!  After 9 weeks of hanging around the same weight, gaining a little and losing a little, I’ve finally got through it.  I was beginning to wonder.  My motivation was starting to really waver.  But today, going in there and seeing those numbers made all the difference in the world.  I feel ultra-confident again!

Maybe I’ll be able to lose 4 more pounds over the next two weeks and meet my goal by Thanksgiving.  I’m really going to try hard.  It just gets so much harder to lose the further I get into this thing.  I’ll get there though.

Big congrats to by BG1 for coming in second in her cheer competition today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    This pic is from a competition last year, but they have the same uniform and such.  I don’t have any of the pics from today yet.

They had a pretty rough year last year in competitions.  We were all so nervous today about going in.  I just felt like it was going to set the tone for the whole year.  It’s hard to get excited sometimes when you’re up against such great teams and you walk away empty handed.  They always have a great time and wouldn’t DREAM of quitting, but it’s nice to place every once in a while!

So today, they went in, a little scared …. and totally pulled off their routine!  They looked so good out there.  I’m proud of her and the entire team for doing their very best Hard work does pay off!

For those of you who don’t know about the Thunder and Lightening part…. it’s part of their cheer … being the Twisters and all

GREAT JOB GIRLS AND GUYS!

Thanks so much to Coley for these awards.  Sorry it’s taken me so long to get everything together so I could reply!

Answers:

1. Where is your cell phone? — somewhere
2. Your hair?  — messy
3. Your mother?  — kind
4. Your father?  — strong
5. Your favorite food?  — chinese
6. Your dream last night? — teaching
7. Your favorite drink?  — Coke Zero
8. Your dream/goal?  — health
9. What room are you in?  — livingroom
10. Your hobby?  — scrapbooking
11. Your fear?  — failure
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? — Hawaii
13. Where were you last night?  — home
14. Something that you aren’t?  — lazy
15. Muffins?  — no
16. Wish list item? — Kindle
17. Where did you grow up?  — Tennessee
18. Last think you did?  — yawn
19. What are you wearing?  — sweats
20. Your TV?  — OFF!
21. Your pets?  — cats
22. Friends?  — caring
23. Your life?  — ordinary
24. Your mood?  — peaceful
25. Missing someone?  — nah
26. Vehicle?  — SUV
27. Something you’re not wearing?  — glasses
28. Your favorite store?  — unsure
29. Your favorite color?  — orange
30. When was the last time you laughed?  — today
31. Last time you cried?  — yesterday
32. Your best friend?  — timeless
33. One place that I go over and over?  — gym
34. One person who emails me regularly?  — Carla
35. Favorite place to eat?  — Red Lobster

Ok … so now to pass this on to 6 others….One word answers and pass it on to 6 more

1. Betty
2. Spoogie
3. Steph
4. Renae
5. Janie

—- Sadly, that’s all the bloggers I know!!!!  So if I stumble upon another one, I’ll be sure to finish this up.

And thanks again, Coley, for this award…. 

I have it posted proudly to the side.  Thanks for all your motivation and support!  You rock girl!!!

I’m passing the award on to the above mentioned bloggers as well. 

I repeated my x-ray today.  It’s been 3 weeks and there’s not much sign of healing.  It actually looks a little worse, to be honest.  There’s a slightly larger gap between the bones than with the first x-ray.

I guess I’m going to have to stop cardio altogether for a while if I want to have any results.  I really worry about the impact this is going to have.  I guess I could just do weight training for a while….. I’ll just have to be a lot more careful about my nutrition though.

I absolutely cannot let this get me down.  I have to stop being stubborn and do what I know I’m supposed to do or else I’m going to end up out of commission for a lot longer than I bargained for. 

Sheesh…I hate just sitting around and waiting on this stupid thing to heal.  I really have to wonder how long it’s been broken though, especially since it’s been hurting so long.  Looking back, I probably broke it when I stepped in that hole back in July.  It’s really been hurting since then.  I may end up going to see an ortho…. maybe I should.  But then, they’d probably do the same thing I’m doing…  that and tell me to stay off of it

I know it’s been absolutely forever since I’ve posted on here.  I know I keep saying I’ll keep up with it better.  I try, but then ….. same old song and dance I guess.

Truth of the matter is, I’m stuck here.  Sitting here at this plateau.  Waiting for a break through.  Getting discouraged.  Trying not to.  Trying to hang on.   Holding by a thread. 

I broke my foot a few weeks ago.  It was a real blow to this whole thing.  I’ve been working out still, doing upper body with my weights and getting cardio in with the rowing machine and stationary bike.  Eating has been … eh… ok.  I’ve done ok for the most part.  I’ve had a few cheat days, more than I’d like to count. … but overall, just ok.

I know I could break through if I would just do what I did in the beginning.  I know it would happen.  I have got to find a way to get my motivation back.  I need the drive that I had when I first started.  Gotta find it somehow. 

I’m just tired of these injuries setting me back.  I hurt my shoulder probably about 2-3 months ago and it’s not much better.  I’ve had steroid injections and everything, but it’s just still hurting.  Probably a result of over training and trying to do too much before I’m ready.  On the one hand, I need to be more aware of my limitations, but on the other hand, I need something to push me harder.  It’s just such a hard place to be in.

Plus, lately when I look in the mirror, I still see the old 300 pound me looking back at me.  I know I’ve mentioned it before, but she’s plaguing me more lately.  It’s like she’s hanging around, just waiting to be back in my life….to be me again.  I feel haunted by her somehow.  There’s this nagging voice in my head telling me that she’ll be back…..that I was just born to be fat.  I hate her.  I hate everything I was when I was her.  I was so weak…so depressed….so out of control of my own actions.  But there she is, every morning, looking at me.

Sure, it would be easy to just give in…give up, eat what I want, not go to the gym, not have this stupid pain from over doing it.  But what would that mean?  It would mean me giving up on myself.  It would mean not giving myself a chance to be the best person I can be.  It would mean ultimately a shorter life most likely….medications for blood pressure possibly…type two diabetes possibly….everything I don’t want.  Easy is never better.  Taking the easy way out is just exactly that….taking an out.  It’s something I can never do.  So somehow I have to break through this….make my way out….find some motivation….do something….

somehow

   So I ended up taking the entire weekend off my program.  It was pretty bad…..lol

Well, I suppose it’s ok.  I’m not too upset about it.  It’s not like I can gain 50 pounds from one weekend.  I’m just gonna hop back on it and get started again tomorrow. 

I think I was long overdue for a break anyway.  I didn’t want to end up burning myself out.  I skipped a couple of days at the gym and went out to eat with my husband and didn’t worry about what I ate for a change.  I had a couple of glasses of wine that were actually really good.  I’m usually not much of a wine person.

All of that being said, I really don’t want to step on that scale tomorrow.  But I have to face it.  That’s where I’ve failed in the past.  When I don’t go back and face my mistakes, it ends up taking over.  i can’t allow that to happen again.

At any rate….it’s getting late and I have to get up early to get groceries before work in the morning.  I had a lazy day and didn’t do much around the house.  I only finished up the laundry and didn’t make it to the store. 

I updated my photo page.  I don’t know what’s up with all the spacing on the page, but I’ll worry with it tomorrow.  I’m headed to bed for now.

I promise…promise…promise to start keeping up with this blog a little better……..

It’s only 6 more weeks until our vacation at the beach.  I’m sitting here at 225 right now.  I’d really like to lose another 10 pounds before we go.  It would be nice to be down to 215.  Then I’d be ok with eating a little more freely while we’re there.  I made sure to book a condo with a fitness room though.  I missed 3 days while we were in San Antonio and I don’t like the way I felt when I got home.  If I miss going to the gym, I feel so tired and sluggish.

So anyway, this vacation got me to thinking about the goals I’ve set.  So far, I’ve been ok on meeting them.  But I have some more goals to reach with the holiday’s looming ahead. 

We go to my husband’s family’s house every November for Thanksgiving.  I haven’t seen some of them in almost a year.  His sister was just here with us in June.  But anyway, I’d really like to have lost some more weight by then.

My husband and I are thinking of going somewhere for our anniversary this year.  We’ve been married 5 years in December.  So, that’s another goal for me. 

Then of course, you have the first of the year.  That’s always a big one. 

After that, Valentine’s day, which we usually don’t celebrate because we’re usually both working – but next year, we’re off together, so we’ll try to do something.

Then, my final goal is my birthday next year, when I hope to be at my overall goal weight.  That’s so far from February though, so I tried to get some in between.

This is what I have – spring break, then Mother’s Day…just to break it up a bit.

So, here it is, broken down:

• Now – 225
• Vacation – October 11 – 215
• Thanksgiving – November 26 – 205
• Anniversary – December 30 – 199
• Valentine’s Day – February 14 – 189
• Spring Break – March 8 – 185
• Mother’s Day – May 9 – 170
• My Birthday – July 26 – 150

It seems almost surreal to be thinking about goal weights below 200.  My lowest adult weight ever was 213.  To be below 200 is unimaginable at this point. 

It’s so different this time than it was every other time.  I honesly believe that there were just things that fell into place that allowed it to happen.  I really didn’t start out thinking….. “This is it.  This is me actually doing it.  I’m going to lose weight for good this time.”  What really happened was me starting to go to the gym.  I was tired of keeping up with everything that I ate from past diets.  I thought that if I exercised, I’d be more free to eat what I wanted.  Then one day I saw these two ladies working out with this sheet that told them which machines to use, how much weight to lift and what to do each day.  I asked them where they got their information.  When they told me, I called the woman up, who happened to be a personal trainer.  She got me going on the weight machines.

Then I started checking things out online.  Exercising made me want to eat better.  I didn’t want to go bust my butt in the gym then come home and blow it all by eating foods that were bad for me.  So, I started looking up different diets.  The more I researched, the more I found that weight loss really was about diet.  ….  well, crap.  So I started keeping up with everything again.  But for some reason, this time it didn’t bother me as much.  I maintained a spreadsheet for about 3 months, religiously logging all of my food.  Now I don’t keep up with it as much, but I eat pretty much the exact same thing every day. 

Then, came the free weights.  Everyone on every message board told me that free weights were much better.  I was terrified of that side of the gym.  There’s nothing more intimidating than a bunch of muscled up guys bench pressing 300+, grunting and carrying on.  So I decided that if I was going to do it and not look like a complete idiot, I should get with a trainer to show me the ropes.  That’s when I noticed the real difference. 

Every week, I feel myself getting stronger.  On good days, I can see muscle definition, especially in my legs.  Seeing that really pushes me onward.  Makes me want to do better.

Weight training has saved my life.  I was well on my way to becoming completely incapacitated by my lifestyle.  Cardio’s easier because my strength is better.  Everything in my life is easier now. …. even breathing.  It’s amazing what a difference a few months can make.  I look back now and only wish that I had started this sooner.  I feel like I wasted so much of my life being fat. 

There’s so much life out there….so many things to do…..so many things that I was previously prohibited from doing just because of my body habitus. 

It’s amazing what an incredible change has occurred in my life.  Not so much in my appearance….but just in my general outlook.  There is really no way to describe it.  I only wish I could make people understand…people that are younger than me….make them realize how much more full and rich their lives can be……all with just an hour a day.  I have so many young patients with so many health problems, most of which are directly related to either their weight or their lifestyle in general.  I try to talk to them…. but most of the time, they just zone out while I’m talking. 

I want my daughers to embrace this lifestyle.  I want them to always be healthy and active.  The best way to make sure this happens is to continue down this path. 

Anyway…didn’t really mean for this post to go in that direction but there it is….my soap box for the day!

If anyone reading this starts to notice that I’m falling by the side, shoot me a message to give me a swift kick to get me back.  I don’t want to spend another minute here feeling like I’ve wasted any part of my life.

It’s so funny.  When I was 300 pounds, I looked in the mirror and thought I looked exactly the same as I did when I weighed 213 (my lowest adult weight).  I knew I didn’t weigh the same and didn’t look the same, but my reflection told me differently.  Then I would look at pictures of myself and think….”There’s no way I look like that!”  But everyone else around me didn’t see what I thought was so horrific about the picture.  They saw the truth about what I looked like.

Now here I am at 227…..13 pounds away from my next goal (being lower than my lowest adult weight)…..and 28 pounds away from the BIG goal…..and the mirror still speaks untruths.  I still see myself as weighing 300 pounds.  I look at my progress pictures and can see the difference…..but looking at my reflection makes me see the same old me.    What’s really funny is that when I see myself as weighing 300 pounds now, I don’t see the old reflection where I thought I was smaller.  I see those pictures of myself instead.  I know that probably doesn’t make much sense, but it’s clear in my mind….

At any rate….this whole body dysmorphic thing is kind of disturbing.  I’m so glad that I have a healthy mind frame about it.  I can see how girls become confused about how they look.  It’s funny how your eyes and mind play tricks on you…..in either direction.

My new found motivation sent me to the gym tonight.  I hit it hard.  Just as hard as I did in the beginning.  I felt great afterward.  Didn’t realize how much I missed everything until tonight.  Like I said, I was going before, but the drive wasn’t there.  I have it again.  It’s back, thank goodness.

Here’s the routine I did tonight:

• Lat Pull Downs – 2×15 – 60 lbs
• Seated shoulder rows – 2 x 15 – 40 lbs
• Dumbbell rows – 2 x 15 – 20 lbs
• Front raises – 2 x 10 – 15 lbs
• lateral raises – 2 x 15 – 5 lbs
• Shrugs – 2 x 15 – 20 lbs
• Barbell bench press – 2 x 10 – bar + 20 lbs
• Dumbbell Flyes – 2 x 10 – 20 lbs
• Declined dumbbell chest press – 2 x 10 – 10 lbs
• Inside dumbbell curls – 2 x 8 – 15 lbs
• Hammer curls – 2 x 8 – 15 lbs
• Preacher curls – 2 x 10 – bar + 20 lbs
• Concentration curls – 2 x 10 – 15 lbs
• Triceps extensions (v-bar) – 2 x 15 – 40 lbs
• Triceps extensions (straight bar) – 2 x 15 – 40 lbs
• Dips – 2 x 15 – 96 lbs assistance
• Leg press – 2 x 15 – 70 lbs
• Calf leg press – 2 x15 – 70 lbs
• Leg extensions – 2 x 15 – 30 lbs
• Hack Squats – 2 x 15
• Calf raises – 2 x 15 – 160 lbs
• Lying Leg curls – 2 x 15 – 50 lbs
• Ab Ball Crunch workout

Spent an hour and a half in the gym to make up for lost time.  Totally excited about how I felt tonight!