Still Trying to Get the Motivation Up

You know how it feels when you start something new and you are totally into it and you give it everything you’ve got?  That’s such a great feeling.  I really have an addictive personality when it comes to new things.  I jump in with both feet and give it everything I have.  If the results are what I want, then I push myself even further. 

Then I start getting bored…………

I’m afraid that’s where I am now.  I’m afraid that if I don’t find a new way to restore my interest, then I’ll end up right back where I started.  I’m still eating right, still exercising.  I’m still doing everything I was doing in the beginning, but it’s like I’m going through the motions rather than throwing myself into it. 

I detest going through the motions.  I hate feeling like I’m doing something ordinary.  I have to find something new here.  I think I’m going to make myself start logging things again.  Maybe buying that book will rekindle things a little bit.

My friend Coley has spoken of a Dark Cloud before.  That’s exactly where I feel I am now.  I’m not particulary depressed, but just feel a little blah.

My thoughts on food

I haven’t updated on my daily burn site in a long time.  I get tired of the constant logging of food and workouts.  I need to get back on track though.  I really worry about losing fat and maintaining muscle.  It’s so difficult to do simultaneously.  From everything I’ve read, it seems like proper diet is really the key. 

I’ve always looked to food to be a solution to everything.  I’ve eaten when sad, happy, depressed, bored….etc.  I’ve been trying to think of food more and more lately as merely a way to sustain life.  I’ve been eating the exact same foods for about 4 months.  There are actually a lot of advantages to this.  Doing this, I don’t sit around and ponder what I’m going to eat.  I don’t make anything overly flavorful so that I’m not tempted to eat more.  I no longer look forward to meals.  I try to think about food as being a fuel source and nothing else.  The drawbacks are that I feel like being stuck in a rut like this will cause me to fall of the wagon at some point.  Also, I’m afraid that my body will somehow get used to this and my weight loss will stall.  I doubt that there is any way this can happen, but it’s something I really worry about.

I have to think of a different menu.  I think that I could have two to three menus for a week and alternate them.  I am just not good at planning this sort of thing.  I don’t really like trying new things when it comes to food.  I hate the thought of buying stuff to find that I don’t like it and then have wasted the money on it.  Plus, I will not eat if there isn’t food that’s good for me available.  That is a definite problem.  If I don’t eat, then I worry about wasting muscle.  If that happens, my workouts are moot.

I don’t know…feel like I’m rambling.

Another big motivation to sustain FAT loss instead of weight loss is that I received an e-mail from the plastic surgeon that I really want today.  The brachioplasty that I want (minimal incision) is almost $10,000.  Wow…that was a major disappointment.  I expected him to be expensive since he created the procedure, but I was completely blown away by this.  I honestly think that there is no way I can get around having the brachioplasty.  I suppose that I can continue to look for surgeons.  I just don’t want to skimp on something that is for the rest of my life.  I don’t want my arms to be ruined after working this hard. 

Anyway…………….

I still have to get my book… There’s this great book called New Rules of Weight Lifting for Women.  It’s subtitled — Lift Like a Man, Look Like a Goddess. 

Rambling onward….things really are good here…just suffering from boredom at the moment.

Small Victories

I have been soooooooooooo bad about keeping up with this lately.  Seems like every time I want to do an update, something comes up.  Work has been hectic….life has been hectic.  I try to stay on track with everything else though, even if I don’t update.

I had a goal to be down to 240 by my birthday.  I weighed in the day before and was down to 234.  Really excited about this…though it’s coming down slower now.  I even had a 2 lb gain last week.  I guess I need to start keeping track of things better and I’ll have better results, but I’m not going to complain about it at all…..I’m happy to be where I am now.

We all went to this tour of this cave yesterday.  I wanted to take the kids somewhere before school started back and thought it would be something different for them to do.  We all headed up there for my birthday.  When we got there, we all had to go through this turnstile to get into the cave.  Every big person hates these things.  I’ve always hated them.  This time, though, I was able to pass right through without even turning to my side.  First time EVER.  Felt pretty good.

Then, I had told my hubby that I needed some new jeans for my birthday.  I told him to go ahead and get a 16 because I was hoping to be in them soon.  I tried them on just for the heck of it and was totally psyched when they actually FIT! 

I haven’t taken measurements yet this month.  Really need to get on board with that, but I’ll have them posted by this weekend.  I need to update my weight loss stats, so I’ll do that next.

I’ll have a better updated post tomorrow.  It’s just really getting late here and I’m pretty tired…..

Hope all is well with everyone.  I’ll be sure to keep in touch better from now on.   Thanks for checking in on me, guys!

My So Called Life

I know….It’s been forever and a day since I’ve updated on here.  Life has just been so hectic lately.  Not really more so than usual, but it seems like it’s been extra difficult to find the time to get in a post.  Plus, things really haven’t been extraordinary lately.  It becomes tiresome to get online and say “Iate this” and “I did this”, etc.  Makes for a pretty boring read.  I’ve been waiting to find the words to explain how things are going on my journey and they’re just not coming to me

It’s such a long road and so tiring at times.  There are days that I get up and think “wow. … I still have another 86 pounds to lose…then a year to wait to see if I need surgery.”  Then there are the days I get up and think…. “wow…I can’t believe I’ve already lost 62 pounds”  Then I think about my highest weight ever and how I’m down 83 pounds from that….almost halfway to my goal.  But lately the days where I look ahead and see the mountain looming in front of me are coming more frequently than the days I can see the mountains I’ve alreay climbed. 

In the beginning, I logged every bite that went into my mouth and kept up with every exercise I did and how many calories I burned.  I wore my heart rate monitor religiously.  I measured and took note of every ounce of fat that was disappearing from my body.  I haven’t kept up with my nutrition or workouts in a couple of weeks now.  I’m staying on board….eating basically the same thing every day and continuing my workouts as usual.  The fire seems to be dying though and it concerns me. 

It’s like a marriage that needs to be rekindled.  I need to find that spark again.  I need to look to the desire that burned in the beginning and get it going.  My workouts don’t leave me feeling exhausted any longer.  I’m tired, sure, but don’t have that feeling of accomplishment that I have had before.  Some days I just want to sit down and have a slice of pizza or eat that piece of cake.  But I push it out of my head and open another pack of tuna and eat my yogurt, string cheese, and apple slices.  I’m going through the motions but don’t feel the same passion as I did in the beginning.

I guess that’s why I haven’t been here as much, rather than lacking the time I’m finding it difficult to admit even to myself that there’s a possibility that I may end up giving up this time again.  I truly don’t want to stop.  I want to reach this goal more than anything.  In all honesty, I have absolutely no desire to worship at the shrine of the golden arches again.  I love being more active.  I love that people look to me for advice on eating and working out.  It’s an amazing feeling.  So, why do I feel this way?  So complex is this journey….so difficult to travel at times….but oh, so worth the rewards that will be waiting for me.

I wish I could somehow see a picture of me in the future…after everything has been achieved.  That would be such an awesome motivation…to see what I can be and have never been.  I close my eyes and dream of her….this person who has finally reached every goal.  I sometimes fear the anti-climatic decendancy from the pinnacle of  this endeavor will cause some kind of plummet into despair.  What does one do when you finally attain that which you have sought after your entire life?  It’s almost frightening in a strange resepect.

In any case, I haven’t given up hope and haven’t regressed to the point to where I am falling by the wayside.  I suppose I’m just searching for something to give me a new found fervor that will help to propel me forward.

38 more pounds

Official weigh in today was 236.  That’s 42 pounds down since starting my exercise program and 62 pounds down altogether.  I haven’t weighed this little since before I had my first daughter and she’s 8.  It’s really exciting and encouraging to see those numbers drop. 

In 38 more pounds, I’ll be below 200.  That’s almost surreal to me.  I haven’t weighed less than 200 pounds since I became an adult.  I was thinking about it the other day and I don’t think I’ve weighed below 200 since before I was a teenager.  I joined Nutrisystem when I was 17 and lost quite a bit of weight.  I think the smallest I got was around 220 though.  I really don’t remember.  I can just remember being in a size 16, but feeling like I couldn’t breathe wearing jeans.  My 18s that I just bought are baggy on me now.  I could probably wear a 16, but they would be really tight, so I’m going to wait until I lose about 10-15 more pounds to buy some more clothes.

I’ve decided that I’m having a party though.  When I lose that 38 pounds, I’m going to have the biggest blow out ever.  I’m going to start planning it soon.  I’m going to hire a band and have all my friends there and finally be comfortable being me again.

I remember talking about the things I would do when I got to the 250s.  I never thought I would see that point.  But it came.  I had my little shopping spree with my husband.  Then the 250s went.  Then I was so excited to be in the 240’s.  I really have a hard time believing that I’m actually in the 230’s.  I really expect the scale to just jump up in the 250’s again as if it had played one big trick on me. 

ah well… maybe it’s not all a dream.  Maybe it’s really happening and one day I’ll be what I’ve never been in my entire life.

Going Places

I’ve heard people say that as they lose weight, they continue to see themselves as they were before they lost anything.  I really thought that it would never apply to me.  In the past I felt that I saw myself not as big as I actually am when I look in the mirror.  It was always sobering to see photos or videos of me.  I would always think…I’m not really that big, am I?  But at any rate, today I realized that it will be a while before the feelings I have as an obese person will change.

Being obese/overweight/”fluffy” makes you avoid certain situations….at least it does with me.  I avoid any place where I am required to wear a bathing suit in public.  I avoid crowded areas like clubs and bars.  I try to walk in areas where people won’t be driving by to yell some rude comment out the window.  I never ate inside at a fast food restaurant.  I always went through the drive through and took it home.  The last thing I needed was someone staring at me thinking that I really don’t need to be eating that.  I avoided going to the park with my kids when a lot of people were there.  I never ate at birthday parties and stuff cause I didn’t want anyone talking about me eating. 

It really didn’t start until I was married the first time.  Even though I was a big girl, I went to frat parties and clubs and bars in college.  One of my best friends was a model …. drop dead gorgeous and a size 2.  None of it really bothered me.  I had an occasional comment now and then but I always blew them off and had a good time anyway.  I wore shorts in the summer and short sleeved shirts.  I wore sandals in the summer.  I wore a bathing suit at the beach with a group of friends that were all much smaller than me.  It didn’t bother me. 

But then, after years of being treated as though I was some kind of mutant, it all started falling apart.  I was so miserable.  He would go out all the time and not tell me about it because he didn’t want me to go.  He told me he was ashamed to be seen with me.  He watched every bite of food that went into my mouth.  I don’t want to go on about him because I really don’t want to even let that be a part of who I am now.

But I became almost reclusive.  I hated summers because it was so hot and I always wore long pants and sleeves that at least came past my elbows.  I wouldn’t even show my feet because my feet felt fat.  The only time I left the house was to go to work and school.  I started gaining weight like crazy because I turned to food to make me feel better.  It comforted me.  Eating large amounts of simple carbs gave me a euphoric, almost numb feeling.  It made me forget about everything else.  But I had to hide it.

How stupid was I that I endured it?  I have no idea what my motivation was to stay and not be rid of the situation long before.  The only answer that I have is that on some level, I thought I deserved it.  I believed that I wasn’t worth anything.  I believed that I shouldn’t be seen in public with anyone, so that I wouldn’t embarrass the person that I was with.  My punishment for being out of control and so disgusting was to endure the mental anguish and abuse. 

Then by some miraculous turn of events, I met my wonderful, loving, caring husband and we have been married for almost 5 years now.  He told me I was beautiful. ….  he told me over and over until I finally believed that he thought it.  I didn’t believe that I was beautiful, not for one second….but I believed that he thought I was.  He made and still makes me feel special.  He has never once mentioned my size.  I honestly don’t think that there has been a day that goes by that he doesn’t tell me he loves me and that I’m beautiful, even when we’re fighting.  It’s helped me so much.  I do feel better about myself now. 

But I still have those old feelings resurface sometimes.  I have a little bit of social anxiety now.  Even with him beside me, sometimes I get nervous around a lot of people, especially when they’re attractive.  I haven’t been back to a club or anything since college.  We tried one night, but I couldn’t make myself do it.

Going to the beach this fall will be a really big deal.  I am excited about it.  I do get some anxiety though.  I just have to keep pushing it away.

He wants us to go to this water park for my birthday.  I’d love to go…..I really would.  I used to go to those all the time and it was so much fun.  But then we went online and looked at pictures of the park.  There are all these photos of beautiful girls in bikinis without an ounce of fat on them.  I know that that is certainly not the reality, but it brought all the old feelings back.  I told him I couldn’t go.  We’re not going.  It’s ok though.  Hopefully I’ll be ready for the beach.

Maybe one day, I’ll be able to walk out my door and not worry about what anyone else thinks of me.  Maybe one day I’ll be able to hold my head up and realize that I am completely justified in doing anything I want.  Maybe one day I’ll be able to walk down the street and not go into a full blown panic attack when a car passes me.  I know all this sounds crazy….I try to keep that Eleanor Roosevelt quote in my mind.  I try to not allow anyone to make me feel inferior.  It does get better.  I know one day that I’ll be able to control these feelings more.  It just takes time.

One day, I’ll be able to go places with no fear.

Day 102 Ankle slowly getting better

The bruising around my ankle is improving.  Plantar flexion still hurts quite a bit though.  I have less of a limp, which is encouraging.  I haven’t run since Monday though…..   I miss it so much.  I’m afraid to try to start again until it’s better.  I don’t want to have a setback.  I’ve been using compression and ice, rest and elevation…taking ibuprofen when necessary.  It’s just a slow process though. 

I met with my trainer on Friday.  Great workout, even without the cardio he throws in there.  He told me to avoid it over the weekend.  I did swim tonight though.  I had a little pain, but tried to compensate with the other leg.  I feel like I’ll be ready to do some low impact stuff by Monday.  I have weight training tomorrow, which shouldn’t be bad.  I had plans to do legs, but that involves lunges and squats, so I’ll just go back to chest, shoulders and triceps and hit legs again next week.

I weighed at my clinic this morning.  I had to work, so I thought I’d hop on the scales.  Even in my jeans, I still weighed 237.  I was totally elated!  I haven’t been in the 230’s since I was 20 years old.  This is so incredibly exciting. 

A friend of mine had gastric bypass a few months ago.  She’s really lost a lot of weight, but hasn’t exercised, so she’s going to have to have a lot of surgery to help correct the loose skin and excess fat.  I’m happy for her.  It has to be so great to lose a lot of weight like that, but I’m so glad that I decided to do it this way instead of with Lap Band.  I don’t have much hunger, actually.  Since I haven’t been able to go to the gym as much, I’ve actually found that my appetite has decreased.  I’m actually paying attention to my body and it’s signals now.  When I do  more activity, I eat more, feel the need to eat more.  When I am less active, my body responds accordingly and the hungar signals are less.  I’ve never actually felt that before.  Even as a child, I constantly thought I was hungry.

It’s like a different world.  I look at food so much differently now.  I try to eat things that will be the best type of fuel for my body so that I’ll get more out of my workout.  I don’t enjoy eating much anymore.  It’s not something I do for fun or a reward.  It’s a necessary thing for survival and nothing more.  Now, I’m sure that would all change the first time I went to the chinese restaurant and dove into the buffet.  I’m not some kind of powerful force with iron will.  I just avoid those kinds of things.

When I first started this thing, I found myself worrying about what I would do during the holidays.  Isn’t that crazy?  I started exercising in April of this year and worried about Thanksgiving and Christmas months away.  But my family gets together a lot during the holidays.  We play games and eat and eat the entire time.  There’s so much home made candy and cakes and pies and southern cooking at its best.  My mom makes the best Christmas breakfast that has been a tradition since we were little kids.  But this year will be different.  I’m just going to volunteer to bring healthy snacks to the get togethers.  They can find someone else to cart in the “good” stuff.  I’ll stick to my foods and eat the lean meats and I’ll be just fine.

Food is so closely related to everything we do here.  That’s part of the reason it’s so difficult to lose weight.  It’s there in celebration, in sadness…it’s there to comfort and calm.  Wanna get together with a friend?  Let’s go out to lunch.  It’s your birthday?  Here’s a big cake and some ice cream.  It’s summer?  Lets cook out!  The list goes on and on.  That’s another thing…my birthday is coming up soon.  I need to start working on figuring out how to avoid the food in that situation too.  But avoid it I will.  Once everyone sees just how serious I am, they’ll stop fussing about how I do things differently.  They’re happy for me, of course, but just can’t understand why I can’t eat it “just this once.”  Don’t they know that if I do it just once, I may give in and turn around and defeat myself?  Just once doesn’t work for me.  I have a long history of addiction to food.  It’s like alcoholism in a way.  You have to take it one day at a time.  You have to abstain.  You have to celebrate every day of food sobriety.  This is day 102.

Here’s to 102 days binge free.

Long week, troubles and my update

Ok, so this hasn’t been the worst week ever, by far.  But it’s certainly been crazy!

Took my oldest to the doctor only to find out that she most likely has asthma and has had it for quite some time.  That may not sound like such a big deal, but it makes it a lot harder on her doing cheer.  Turns out that she’s probably had it for a while.  I’ve switched pediatricians lately because I felt like my other doctor wasn’t paying attention to my kids.  I’m not a neurotic mother, by any means, but I feel like when I take my kids to the doctor, it’s because there’s something wrong that I can’t take care of.  At any rate, wise choice on my part because she’s finally getting on the medicine she needs and she’s feeling a lot better.  It was just troubling to know that she’s been sick for so long and I could have made her feel better a while ago, but kept her with the same doctor.  Makes me feel like I didn’t take care of my little girl.  Sometimes we put too much trust in doctors.  I think that it’s our responsibility to find out things for ourselves too and I’m so glad that she’s finally where she needs to be, with a pediatrician that actually listens.

So, that ordeal was on Tuesday.  Wednesday we went to this petting zoo, which was really cool.  We’ve been before, but they have a lot of new stuff.  It’s a drive through safari with all kinds of exotic animals.  At the end of the tour, I was looking in a cage at some monkeys and turned to walk away, stepped in a hole and twisted my ankle!  I was so afraid that I had broken it.  Took me a while to get up and start moving.  The only thing I could think was that I had to figure out a way so that I would be able to run.  I didn’t run.  Haven’t ran in 3 days.  My trainer told me today that I should stay off of it for a few more days.  I’m still lifting, but it’s so discouraging that something like this is holding me back.  I’m going swimming this weekend though.  That should be low impact enough to keep my ankle from hurting.

There are some other things going on with my oldest daughter that have been really hard on her as well.  I probably shouldn’t get into it on an online blog, but it was definitely a trying week for her.  She’s ok now, but the poor thing has had it rough over the past few days.

I’ve been really worried about gaining since I haven’t been able to do any cardio.  I bought a fat loss monitor online that I absolutely LOVE.  It tracks weight, BMI and body fat %.  I’ve been using it daily.  I know that it’s not as accurate as other methods, but with my weight, it’s the best thing next to a “dunk tank”.  Skin fold calipers aren’t all that accurate when you’re obese.

I weighed in this morning at 237.  I was so excited.  But that was on the scales at the YMCA.  They usually weigh me about a pound less than the scales I’ve been weighing on.  That won’t be my official weigh in, but it was so good to see a number below 240.  I remember thinking that I would never get out of the 270s.  I’m pretty happy with my progress so far.  I’m really hoping to be below 200 before the end of the year.  That would be the best present I could ever give myself.

So here’s to me, then end of a tough week and a speedy recovery for my little girl.  Things are getting better slowly.  One day at a time, keep on keepin’ on.

New Day

Today was much better.  Work went pretty smoothly.  It was busy, but I didn’t feel overwhelmed like I did last week.  I didn’t lose anything this week.  I didn’t really expect to.  It seems that when I have a big loss, the next week, I don’t do as well.  That’s ok though.  I’m getting used to how my body responds to all of this.  I’ll have a small loss next week, probably, then nothing, then a big loss, then nothing again.  It all adds up to 2 pounds per week, so I’m ok with that.

I ran again tonight.  I thought I did pretty good, all things considered.  I managed to haul my big ole butt around the track once without stopping, jogging.  I ended up walking/running 1.25 miles, which isn’t far, but I plan to increase each week.  Felt good at the end.  Ran the stairs to prove it.  Then came home and jumped rope.  All in all, good day.

I decided to leave my previous post.  I have ups and downs, just like everyone else, and can’t be completely strong and positive all the time.  I think my blog should reflect that.  Thanks, guys, for making me realize that.

It’s late again.  Time to try to get a little sleep.  I have weights tomorrow.  I need to find a new routine.  If I can manage to get out of work on time, I can go to the YMCA instead of ultimate fitness.  At ultimate, there are way too many younger kids there.  It’s hard to get a good workout in when there are so many distractions.  They like to play around on their phones too much and get loud and I just can’t concentrate.  If I can get my iPod up and going again, maybe that’ll help.

Until tomorrow, friends, Keep on Keepin’ on.

Ups and Downs

I’d say that over all I didn’t have too bad of a holiday weekend, plan wise.  I did eat some things that I wouldn’t ordinarily, but tried to keep it healthy.  I didn’t have any desserts of any kind, even though some looked pretty good.  I even managed to avoid the chocolate covered strawberries, even though my mind kept saying, “It’s fruit….it’s fruit” 

I did, however, have a few drinks that night.  Nothing too bad.  I just haven’t had a drink in quite a while.  That added up to quite a bit of carbs and calories that I didn’t need.  I’m worried about weighing in tomorrow, but if I have a gain, it’ll have to just be a gain.  I won’t let it get me down at all.  I’ll just work a little harder this week.

I have, on the bright side of things, found a new form of cardio that I really enjoy.  Back to my childhood…. jumping rope.  Who would have thought? 

Now, it’s not something I’m doing when I’m really being serious about cardio.  There’s no way I can work intervals into this.  But it’s something I can throw in at the end, or something I can do on the days I lift weights.  I don’t like to do too much cardio on those days.  It almost seems counter-productive.  No set backs in the muscle department needed, thank you very much!

So, on the 4th this year, instead of sitting around and watching the kids play, I joined in.  I was at my dad’s house…pretty much in the middle of no where.  I took that opportunity to enjoy a run in the afternoon.  It was actually pretty cool, for July.  The temperature was only around 90 or so.  I managed to run for around 30 minutes, alternating walking, of course.  But i got a feel for what it would be like on real roads…hopefully to help prepare me for the half marathon that I may be a little too ambitious about. 

After the run, I went back to the house and went outside with the kids.  I thought I’d just try the rope jumping, not sure if I could even do it at all as I haven’t jumped rope since I was a kid.  I was actually pretty good at it.  I kept up with my 8 year old daughter!  I bought a better rope today and we all went outside and jumped rope together.  I never would have thought, 6 months ago, that I would be outide playing with my kids again.

I was at a point where my weight was depressing me again.  Several years ago, I became almost a recluse.  I never left the house unless absolutely necessary.  I didn’t want anyone seeing me.  A lot of that was because of my ex husband.  He didn’t want anyone to know anything about me. … was terribly embarrassed of me, and made no attempt to cover those feelings.  So, I sat in the house and ate….large amounts of food….getting deeper and deeper into depression.  I started feeling so much better after the divorce…after meeting someone that really loved me…

But I felt it coming back again.  There it was….and I couldn’t escape.  I never went outside.  Never went anywhere except to work.  Tried to avoid all activities if I could.  Sitting on the couch, stuffing my face….ashamed of where I was.

Then today….outside with my kids….being active.  It felt so great.  I felt proud of myself.

But here it is at the end of the day and I sit in the room alone, blogging away, feeling just basically blah.  I don’t know why.  It’s not my journey.  I feel pretty secure in that, even if I have the gain I’m expecting.  But I can’t shake these feelings.  I don’t know what it is.  I don’t know why it’s here.  I think part of it is my first statement….sitting in here alone.  I guess some days I just require  little more attention from my husband and if I don’t get that attention, I foolishly let it control how I feel about myself.  I have no reason to feel down.  Yet I do.  It’s hard to compete sometimes.  I’m just me.  There are other things that seem to fascinate him more, which is perfectly fine.  I’m honestly not a clingy person.  Between the tv and video games and the computer, it’s hard to see where I fit in at times.  I don’t know why I’m writing this…I’ll probably edit and delete it later, afraid he’ll read it and it’ll start a discussion that I just don’t want to get into.  Things really are great between us.  I just feel alone sometimes.  I wish he would do some of this with me.  I’d like for him to be active with me…to run with me, or something.  At any rate…. I suppose that I’ll just let it go.  No need to stir anything up.  I may just leave this post right here….doubtful that he’ll look at it anyway.

 

But, to avoid ending this on a negative note…. today’s workout was great….leg day, which is pretty tough, and I sailed through it.  It hurt…and I felt the burn, but the whole balance and ability is improving, which is definitely a plus!