Day 1, long hair, and my AHA moment

I ended up not going to sleep after midnight last night even though I said I would be in bed by 11.  But I still set my clock for 4:30 this morning.  Well, I say clock….3 alarms on my phone and my alarm clock on my night stand is more like it.  It takes an act of congress to get me up in the morning!  I was up by 5 AM and at the gym by 5:15. 

I do feel really great now.  Feel like I’m ready to take on the day.  I worry about my usual afternoon slump though.  I usually start feeling pretty groggy around 3 PM.  Too bad I have to work or I could nap!  But at least I’ll be tired for bed tonight and hopefully go to sleep around 11 tonight.

Anyway…..on another topic, this long hair thing is prolly gonna get the best of me.  I promised my husband I’d let my hair grow out … for about the zillionth time.  It kills me.  Short hair is just so much easier!  Plus, I feel so frumpy with my hair long.  It’s ultra super thick so I have to have it thinned out or I start getting headaches.  And with it being so heavy, it just kinda hangs there.   So, I’m thinking about getting it layered when it gets a little longer and putting a body wave in it.  My hair is naturally curly but the curl’s all gone as it grows.  Maybe I won’t end up looking like a poodle!

Just had a thought today while looking in the mirror as I got ready for work.  The day I dread all year is only 28 more days away.  But this year, the most hated of all ages isn’t looming ahead of me.  Sometimes I think it’s worse that I have to look behind to see it.    When I think back to what got me started on all this, I realize that I don’t really have that AHA moment that people talk about.  There wasn’t a specific photo or video of myself that I saw that made me decide that I wasn’t putting up with the weight anymore.  I think it was just the simple fact of aging.  The thought of getting older and FEELING older is just way too much to bear.  If I’m older, but still feel like I’m 20, then age really doesn’t matter at all, right?

Beach Bound!

I reserved our condo for our vacation in October this year.   We usually go during Fall Break.  Our school system operates year round, which means we get 2 weeks off every 9 weeks.  Summers are shorter, but it’s nice to have a break every few weeks.  So we usually schedule our vacation during that time to avoid other crowds.  This year we’re going to Gulf Shores.  We went to Disney World last year and spent one day at Cocoa Beach.  It wasn’t particularly busy during that time, so the beach was quiet and nice.  This year, I’m actually looking forward to it.  The kids really want to go to the beach, but I’ve always shied away because of the bathing suit issue. 

Vacation is 15 weeks away.  If I keep losing at the rate I’m losing at, I can be less than 220 by the time we go.  That’ll mean I’ll be around a size 14.  I know I’ll be a lot bigger than most of the other people on the beach, but at least I won’t be so completely embarrassed.  PLUS…. I’ll be able to do some of the things on my list!  I’m totally excited.  I’ve been thinking about whether or not I’ll stay on my plan during the week of vacation.  I made sure to book a condo that had an exercise room….how crazy is that!  First vacation ever that I’ve planned around being able to exercise.

I’m really looking forward to being able to do things that I’ve been worried about before.  I love the beach, but have only been a couple of times in my life. 

Here’s to my first step toward being normal!

Somewhat better

The day went better in general today.  I met with my trainer again, which always insures a good workout.  The ab workout today just about killed me though!  I only thought I was tough.  I was almost in tears at one point, but absolutely refused to give up.  Made it through it somehow.

Coley, who is a wonderful friend and inspiration, always makes me feel better.  I know that she can understand some of the feelings that I have and things I’m going through.  Sometimes it helps just to have someone right there with you just so you know you’re not nuts (a little nutty…but not completely gone…lol).  Thanks again, girl.

Hubby keeps reminding me that if I keep at it, it will get better.  I know that it will.  I just would love to see some results of the work I’m putting into weight training.  I know I’m not going to have huge ripped biceps or anything (nor do I want that), but it would be nice to be able to have a little bit of a cut without the fat glaring at me from on top of it.  It’s a waiting game.  A game that requires patience.  I suppose that 18 months or so isn’t too much to ask from me since I’ve been like this for over 20 years.  Wow….hurts to even think that, but seeing it is something else.

At any rate….I’m in pretty good spirits here.  Trying to get some new routines together.  I wish I could lift every day, but then I would probably overtrain and not get anywhere.  It’s funny how I used to love cardio and hate the weights and now it’s completely the opposite.  I just love feeling stronger.  I love seeing increases in the weights I’m lifting and love how great it feels to be able to do something a little easier than I was able to do it before.

I have to do these leg pull ins….I lie down flat on a weight bench and hold the back of the bench overhead.  Then I have to extend my legs outward at about a 45 degree angle and pull them in toward my chest.  I used to feel like I was going to die after about 10, but now can do 25 without any problem at all.  Then there’s my old friend, the stairs

 

   I honestly never thought I’d be doing something like that.  When he first had me doing it, I would run the first couple of times, then barely make it walking up the rest of it. 

Today, I ran the whole thing.  Then he had me do some more exercises and wanted me to run them three more times. 

I ran FOUR …. no knee pain….quads burning only a little bit.  Didn’t stop.  Didn’t slow down.

This is one of the things I really want to get good at.  Every time I have to do it, I always think of Rocky.  It’s kinda funny, actually.  I go back and forth between GI Jane and Rocky in my head all the time when I’m working out.  OH well…One day, here I’ll be

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                  Yeah…pretty funny huh?  I can just see me running up the steps at the hospital with Gonna Fly Now in the background….ha!

Now…I really wouldn’t mind getting older if I looked anything like Demi!

Thoughts and Fears

Everything has been so busy lately.  I have had a hard time keeping up with this and with logging everything and with trying to stay on top of it all.  I haven’t strayed much.  I’ve worked out every day except yesterday (my oldest is still sick and had a bad night last night).  Staying on track as best I can.

So far, this whole thing is working out well.  I’m succeeding for a change…for the first time ever.  I feel great overall.  I have bad days of course, but that’s just part of it. 

There are some days, though, like today, when I have so many other worries about this struggle that consume me.  Makes me wonder if this is really the path I should take.  I know that sounds so strange.  It even sounds strange to me.  I can honestly say though, that I have never been a normal size.  I’ve always been the biggest person in the room, everywhere I’ve gone.  I was always the fat kid in school…the girl that matured faster…the one that was made fun of.  The quiet girl that sat in the back of the class and tried not to be noticed.  I cannot, for the life of me, imagine what it could possibly feel like to be “normal”.  It’s almost a scary thought.  I’ve been this way for so long, it’s almost as though I don’t know any other way to be.  It’s as though I’ve been hiding inside myself for my entire life. 

I worry about how I’ll act and who I’ll end up becoming through this transition.  I have to think that the basic essence of who I am can’t change because that is me, after all.  I have just seen other people lose large amounts of weight and it seems as though they become this entirely different person.  It frightens me to think that I would be any other way than how I am right now.  I just don’t want to lose sight of ME.

I am different now though.  I have to be.  There is no way to make these kinds of massive changes without changing somewhat.  I look at life differently than I used to.  It’s more full now than before.  I hope that these are the kinds of changes that will continue. 

I worry about other things too.  I worry about my appearance.  It just seems so unfair that I would work this hard to get something and have other things to have to worry about as well.  I worry about my face looking older.  It seems that with my face being fuller, there are less chances for any wrinkles to begin to show.  I know this sounds vain, but I hate the thought of aging.  It reminds me of my mortality.   Turning 30 almost killed me.  I really hate to even think about it.  So silly, I know.  I just can’t help it. 

Also, I’ve already started to notice some loose skin.  Well, loose skin, excess fat, whatever.  But it’s there.  And I guess as some of the fat cells start to shrink, it has a more loose appearance.  Makes me crazy.  My arms especially.  It just doesn’t seem fair that the more I build muscle and the more muscle definition I have, the more the flab on my arms shows up. 

I just don’t know what to do.  I don’t know how to make it better.  I don’t know how to stop it.  I feel like I”m doing all that I can yet the problems I feared the most are happening anyway.  Why didn’t I do this years ago?  Why did I wait until now?  Why did I allow myself to get to this point that I have all of these things to contend with?

I try not to let it get me down.  Some days are just harder than others.  Some days I dwell on it more.  I know that it’s trivial.  I know that there are so many other things that I could have to worry about….more important things.  I’m healthy, have a wonderful family, wonderful career, and want for nothing.  Yet still I worry about these superficial, inconsequential things.  What kind of person does that make me?

Sorry for the negativity….it just plagues me sometimes.  Feels better to get it out, even if it’s somewhat rambling and non sequitur.

New Progress Pics Up

I haven’t been around much lately.  I feel like I’ve been out of sorts because I haven’t been blogging or posting my diet/exercise.  I’ve been keeping up with it though.  My oldest has been pretty sick, so I haven’t had any extra time.  She’s doing much better now.  Spring/Summer is a hard time around here with the horrible heat and humidity and pollens.

I have my new progress pictures up.  I take measurements again next week.  I haven’t cheated this time!  I’m bad about sneaking in a measurement here and there to see how I’m doing, but I haven’t done it once this time.

Weight loss is doing ok.  My body tends to go up and down, but keeping down overall, and i really can’t ask for more than that.  Diet is slowly getting better.  I try to be more aware of everything I eat.

It’s a little late here, but I’ll be able to be more detailed tomorrow.  I had a late night at the gym tonight. 

More tomorrow….

Wow….

I didn’t really look at that picture when I posted it earlier.  I didn’t realize how much of a difference there was.  I didn’t realize how FAT I was (not that I’m not still fat, but…)

You just get so used to seeing yourself every day that you don’t realize how your appearance changes.  Yeah, I knew I was really large, but I just didn’t realize HOW large. 

It’s encouraging to see the change.  Makes me want to keep going.

Ups and Downs

It seems like one day comes and another comes and my mood and attitude toward this whole thing is all over the place.  I try so hard to stay positive.  I try to not focus on things that will make me feel bad.  I try to not pay attention to the scale.  I try…

It will not get me down though.  I may have struggles from day to day, but I will push myself every day to reach my goal.  I will get there eventually.  I will be a healthier me.  I’m already healthier.  Maybe tomorrow will bring a renewed confidence and more motivation.  There is absolutely no giving up…no stopping…no slowing down.

I’m posting some earlier pics here … my good friend and inspiration bravely posted some on her blog  www.sugarshakes.com.  I had a hard time finding some old pics of me.  I avoid the camera at all costs.  Here they are though:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

           

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited to add my most recent after picture.  The first two were at my absolute highest non-pregnancy weight, about 3 years ago.  The next was a month ago, about 10 pounds heavier than I am now.

It’s Official

I have been so busy the past few days!  I worked my usual shifts, then went to my dad’s and helped out while my stepmom could take care of some business, then got a nice shopping trip from my husband this weekend.  I didn’t buy much cause I hated the thought of spending money and turing around and buying new clothes again in a few weeks.

I weigh in in the AM.  According to the scales tonight, I haven’t lost anything this week.  That’s ok though.  I’m officially in a size 18.  Down from a 26.  I’m so happy…though I never thought I’d be happy about being a size 18.  It’s just good to not say 20-something.  I went to Maurice’s, which is a store I absolutely love since they started carrying plus sizes.  Their clothing is still made a little small.  About 5 weeks ago, I managed to squeeze into a size 20 there.  I had bought a 20 in another store earlier that day and they fit well, so I knew that the 20s from Maurices would be a little snug.  Today, though, I tried on an 18.  And they fit!  No trouble at all.  The 20s are baggy on me now.  That feels SO good.  I was talking to another friend of mine that was asking me about my weight loss and she asked how I was in an 18 with my weight and she wore an 18 weighing about 20 pounds less than me.  Makes me feel good that even though the weight stays the same sometimes, the clothing gets smaller. 

I have a plan too.  Maurices offers this thing called a shopping party.  You can reserve a spot to go one night after the stores close with some of your friends.  You have the whole store to yourself and they let you hang out and try on clothes and stuff.  If I host the party, I’ll get 30% off my purchase and my friends will get 15% off.  I’m going to have one of these things as soon as I lose another 30 pounds.  When that happens, I’ll weigh less than I’ve ever weighed in my adult life.  I’m starting by saving money each week, like $30 or something.   Then I’m going to put in $5 for each pound I lose a week.  That’ll give me $600 by the time I plan on having my party.  What a great incentive!

I’m so excited about this whole thing.  I’ve never done this for such a long time.  The results are totally worth every sacrifice.  I was talking my workout buddy tonight and was telling her that everyone at work thinks I’m being a little extreme with my methods.  But I told her that when you have an extreme transformation to make, then you have to take extreme measures.  It’s worth it.  Every ache and pain.  Every time I feel like crying from working out so hard…every time I feel like I’m going to die from a workout.  Every time I have my tuna sandwich while everyone else eats pizza.  Every bit of blood, sweat and tears I’ve shed since I’ve started.  Every bit of it is worth it.  I wouldn’t trade the way I feel now for a piece of pizza any day.

Row, Row, Row your boat….

I tend to get bored pretty easily.  After doing this cardio every day now, even though I change it up a bit and do HIIT one day and LISS another, it still gets boring.  I stumbled upon the rowing machine tonight at the gym.

I did my usual 20 minutes on the stairclimber, increasing the resistance as I went, then hopped on the elliptical and increased the level as I went along for 20 minutes too.  Then I saw this girl on the rowing machine.  I had never even paid attention to it before.  I thought I’d give it a try if she was finished by the time I was.

She was.

It kicked my butt.

Big time.

I made the mistake of getting on the thing and rowing with all my might right off the bat.  Needless to say, by the end of the first two minutes, I thought my arms were going to fall off.  I pushed through it though, but I did slow down.  I managed to get through 1350 meters in 10 minutes.  I have no idea how good (or bad, rather) that is.  But I really enjoyed it.  It’ll give me a little something to throw in the mix.

I became bored of the treadmill a long time ago.  I can’t remember the last time I actually used the thing.  I have to find some new ways to do cardio so that I stay interested.  Think I’ll look up some things.

Scales are trying to drift back up.  I hate it when it does that.  Any time I have a really good loss, the number climbs back up for a few days.  I really have to stop weighing like 5 or 6 times a day.  I know the number doesn’t even matter that much.  I hate that water weight can have such an impact! 

All in all though, I’m holding my own.

Motivation

I just finished one of the best cardio sessions I’ve had since I started.  I didn’t even feel like going tonight.  I wanted to just stay home and rest.  But I made myself go.  I don’t think I’ve ever worked out as hard as I did tonight.  20 minutes on the stairclimber burning 260 cals and 25 minutes on the elliptical doing HIIT and burning 360 cals.  I weighed before I went in and again when i finished and I was 1.5 lbs lighter after the cardio….never sweated so much in my life!  Sweated off a pound and a half…lol

Found some great inspirational quotes today.  I didn’t have the names of the person making the quote, but I wanted to add them anyway:

• To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift.
• Obsessed is the word the lazy use to describe the dedicated.
• If it is important to you, you will find a way.  If not, you will find an excuse.
• Pain is temporary.  Pride is forever.
• Make the most of yourself for that’s all there is of you.
• There is nothing we cannot live down, rise above and overcome.
• Success must be felt on the inside before it can be seen on the outside.
• You have to do what others won’t to acheive what others don’t
• Pain is only weakness leaving the body.
• Being defeated is only a temporary condition.  Giving up is what makes it permanent.
• If somebody beats me, it’s not because they outworked me.
• A great pleasure in life is doing what others say you cannot do.
• I hate to lose more than I love to win.
• Discipline weighs an ounce.  Regret weighs a ton